Cleveland, Ohio – Following the recent controversy regarding the ejection of Rob Stipe from Cleveland Browns Stadium for excessive standing, the Cleveland Browns organization announces new rules that will be in effect for all game attendees going forward. These new rules are aimed at providing a safe and secure game environment for families and the elderly and improve the acclaimed Browns fan experience.
“The Cleveland Browns have a long history or providing a safe and secure family experience at Browns football games, and we provide that fan-friendly experience via rules,” said Neal Gulkis, vice president of media relations. “As we strive to improve the fan experience for our valued NFL ticket holders, rules governing fan behavior will continually be revised. In order to provide a pleasant experience for our proud Cleveland Browns fans, the organization announces new rules attendees must conform to while attending a game at Cleland Browns Stadium.”
Persons attending games at Cleveland Browns Stadium must adhere to the following new rules:
- In order to protect our fans with sensitive eyes, fans are prohibited from wearing excessive amounts of orange. Orange shirt or pants will be permitted, however fans cannot wear all orange. Clothing will also be evaluated to ensure that it is not “too bright.”
- To protect fans with sensitive ears, fans will only be allowed to clap five times per play. Additionally, security personnel will be monitoring for fans that are clapping “too loudly.”
- Fans will be allowed a maximum of five “high fives” per exciting play. In the event of a fourth down completion or a touchdown, fans will be permitted seven “high fives.” In the event of a truly exciting play, fans are encouraged to express their enthusiasm via tweeting or posting on their Facebook wall.
- Any fan questioning what a exactly a “Brown” is will be escorted off the premises immediately for failure to properly respect hall of fame coach Paul Brown and the proud Browns heritage
- During gameplay, should the Cleveland Browns struggle, fans are prohibited from booing the team or asking for a refund for the price of Cleveland Browns game tickets. Furthermore, fans are prohibited from criticizing team management and shall refrain from any discussions regarding a decade of missing the playoffs.
- Fans attempting to start a “wave” will be shot on site.
- Only fans that have become drunk due to drinking beer purchased at the stadium will be allowed to remain. Any fans attempting to enter the stadium visibly drunk will be denied entry. In the event of drunkenness being the result of a combination of beer consumed while tailgating and beer purchased at the stadium, security will be given the option of weighing how many beers were purchased at Cleveland Browns Stadium, and their ability to purchase more, when deciding to eject said attendee.
- In order to push the branding of the “Dawg Pound” seating section, all fans in said section are required to celebrate plays via a “fist pound.” Any fans celebrating via high fives, hugs, etc in the “Dawg Pound” section will be removed from the stadium.
- The only sport franchise apparel permitted will for the Cleveland Browns. No other team apparel, including the Ohio State Buckeyes apparel, will be permitted.
- Fans are prohibited from waiving at the camera in an attempt to get on television.
- Fans are required to follow the instruction on the jumbo-tron. Anyone observed not “making some noise” when prompted to do so via the jumbo-tron will be given a written warning. Should an attendee be observed disregarding the jumbo-tron a second time, they will be escorted from the premises.
- Fans will be prohibited from calling the play before it happens. Nobody likes “call the play before it happens guy.”
- A close cousin of “call the play before it happens guy,” “second-guess every coaching decision after the fact guy” will also be removed from the stadium and will forfeit his NFL football game ticket.
- In the event the Cleveland Browns win, fans are prohibited from giving any fans of the opposing team a hard time.
- Fans are prohibited from criticizing the referees. And questioning of their eyesight, allegiances or manliness will not be tolerated.
- Any fan attempting to “Go H.A.M.” will be required to prove that they are, in fact, hard as a motherfucker.
- Fans are prohibited from buying the franchise and moving it to a different city.
- Any fans wishing to paint their faces and or bodies must obtain previous approval from the Cleveland Browns and pay a $25 body painting fee.
- Any signs with misspellings, intentional or not, shall be confiscated immediately.
- Fans taller than 6’2” or who otherwise impair the view of the field of persons sitting behind him/her will be required to pay a $25 tall tax.
- All flags must be purchased from the official Browns megastore, and if not must be approved by the Browns Flag Approval Committee a minimum two weeks before the game at which the flag will be displayed. A fee applies, even when flags are rejected.
- Fans are prohibited from cheering too optimistically before important plays in case the Browns fail to score and people become too disappointed.
- In the unlikely event tourists from out of town (or even state) attend the game, locals must allow them to sit wherever they want, oblige thanklessly with any photo requests and make frequent mentions of the awesome quality of Browns Stadium concessions to encourage them to purchase as much food and drink as possible.
- References to local competitor, the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, are forbidden.
- If a fan observes another attendee breaking any of these rules he or she is required to immediately alert security. Cleveland Browns Stadium is proud to be the first stadium in the NFL to make “If you see something, say something” not just a recommendation, but the law.
The Cleveland Browns thank their proud and supportive fans, who are the best in the NFL, for their understanding as we attempt to implement these new rules. These rules are in addition to the already implemented Browns Fan Code of Conduct. The Cleveland Browns appreciate fans understanding as the Cleveland Browns organization continues to provide the best fan experience in the NFL.
The Cleveland Browns are a member in good standing of the National Football League.