Earlier this week the NFL held it’s annual rookie symposium in California where topics ranged from taking responsibility to honoring the game.
The 4 day event was not open to the media so even though NFL commissioner Roger Goodell addressed the press and answered questions you still have to wonder what was discussed behind closed doors.
Ravens Gab columnist Gene Winner had the same thoughts and composed this list of the top ten subjects discussed during the rookies time in Carlsbad. Of course I used some editorial license as well.
Keep in mind that these items were done tongue in cheek so if you have no sense of humor please don’t scroll down and even if you do and are still offended all I can say is lighten up it’s Summer and news has been SLOW. So cheer up, only four week until Training Camp!
1- Stay out of Bars and Nightclubs.
Sure these young men would love to use their new found wealth to buy a round of beverages for their new found friends. But celebrity and alcohol can be a dangerous combination and often leads to a rookie starring on TMZ. Guest speakers Ben Roethlisberger and Cedric Benson were unavailable due to prior commitments.
2- Keep Your Hands to Yourself.
Yes, you learned it in Kindergarten and the rule still applies in the NFL. If you fail to heed rule #1 then please do not touch bartenders, waitresses, waiters, or patrons. Their places of business have video cameras these days so you must have your story straight to avoid loss of endorsements, money, and respect. Ben Roethlisberger still will not appear but instead will send a group text to all of you to meet at an alternate location (Hooters) to discuss the perils of life as a pro football player.
3- Stay Under the Radar.
You’re twenty one and you’ve just gotten a check for 21 million dollars to play a game for your job. Keep your mouth shut, train hard, and play ball!
4- The Rules Benefit the Offense.
Football fans love video games so they expect reality to mirror the virtual world. You can not bump, chuck, hold, grope or hit a receiver in any way that would affect him from actually catching the ball. Study your rulebook, it’s sure to have all sorts of handy information in it.
5- The Quarterback must not go down.
This is a specific addendum to #4. In order for offenses to click with precision the faces of the game must be upright. Extra caution should be paid to Peyton Manning and Tom Brady as they have second careers starring commercials that further promote the league. In fact when you play the Colts and Patriots don’t even breathe near them. It will just make every one’s life easier.
6- The NFL referees are the same ones used in the WWE.
Don’t embarrass them by asking for an autograph from John Cena or Kelly Kelly’s cell number. These men are professionals just like you are now. If you want to attempt something illegal, just have a teammate distract them and do your worst. Sure video replay can be an issue but just be aware of how many challenges your opponent has used already and you should be fine.
7- Don’t Practice too much.
Practice makes perfect but your a millionaire now and this isn’t Baseball where all those millions are guaranteed. Who wants an injury in a meaningless tip drill to cost them a fortune in endorsements? If you feel that your coaches are making you practice too much just let Mr. Goodell know and we will make them stop.
8- Always back all new league policies and initiatives.
Want to play one game a year in London? You bet. Your franchise’s fans won’t care if they are robbed of another home game, especially season ticket holders who love shelling out cash for everything. Want to play two more extra regular season games? Of course you do, because who wouldn’t want the extra chances to suffer a torn ACL that requires extensive surgery and recovery time. Just remember we are only looking out for you.
9- The Rookie Cap is a good thing.
Speaking of league initiatives, the commissioner is hoping to push a rookie cap through during the next labor agreement. I know you all want to get paid but it’s the only way to save bad general managers or insane team presidents from themselves. Plus you’ll feel better inside knowing that you earned that million dollar extension instead of duping your team into making you the highest paid player after never stepping foot on a pro field.
10- Strikes don’t help anyone.
Just understand that many of your veteran teammates will be asking you to stand with the Players Association against management in the next year. Than again you already know that otherwise we wouldn’t be talking to the largest group of non college graduates this side of a Wal Mart training seminar. So keep this one thing in mind; if you don’t play you don’t get paid. This is a small fact you may have missed when you skipped Micro Economics to play in the Hula Bowl. We just thought you should know.