How to Facebook the NFL Way

This past week our favorite Philadelphia football team made headlines after it fired one of its part-time game-day employees, Dan Leone, for venting his frustration with the team’s handling of Brian Dawkins. Personally I had no problem with the firing. I think the media made it into more of a story than it needed to be. I can, however, see why some people are so upset. Given the recent shenanigans surrounding the team, perhaps it would have been wise for the Eagles to handle the situation a little differently for PR purposes.

But I am not going to sit here and debate who was right and who was wrong. The part I liked best is that Dan Leone used the social networking website, Facebook, to commit the crime. I’m sure you all have heard of Facebook. It’s a craze that is sweeping the country. You either have your own account or you know someone who does and will not shut-up about it. I’m one of those who will not shut up about it.

So today I am going to do a public service to all my “Facebooking” friends out there. I have observed many things over the past few months- violations I guess you can call them. Thus I have formulated eight Guidelines for all of us to follow so that we can be the best ”Facebookers” we can possibly be! And by doing so, we will avoid ending up like Mr. Leone.

Here we go:

1. No more than 2 status updates per day.
No one is that important that the entire Facebook world needs to know what he/she is doing on an hourly basis! One in the morning and one at night are sufficient. We don’t need a Merrell Reese/Mike Quick play-by-play of your boring life!

2. Bring something to the table. There is nothing more boring than reading a status update with no substance. No one cares that you are at work, you are tired, you are hungry, or you just farted. And informing everyone that Greg Lewis is deactivated from the game day roster is irrelevant! Seriously no one cares! However, informing everyone that “G-Lew” was traded is very relevant and quite awesome!

3. No foul language. Many of us have friends of all ages- our little nieces and nephews, our grandparents. Just remember that you are not the only one who can see your page. So after another NFC Championship loss, please refrain from “Andy Reid is a clueless fat piece of shit with a whore for a mother!” Instead simply state, “Right now I am feeling very upset with the overweight coach, born of a promiscuous maternal figure!”

4. Please spell correctly. Most readers with a high school education do not know that “Jw Banr iz A rIll AszzHol” really means that “Joe Banner is an evil right-wing conservative- probably a relative of George W!” or that “KowBooyz SuK!” means that you’re not a big fan of Dallas. Just as most people over 30 do not realize that “OMGLMAOAS” translates to “Oh My God, Laughing My Ass of at SWOOP!”

5. You’re Friends are close, but you’re enemies are closer. One thing that freaks me out about Facebook is that so many people (if you’re not careful) can see what is going on in your life. Without proper security settings there is no such thing as privacy! And believe me there is definitely that guy or girl out there that you kissed at recess in 6th grade, who still thinks you guys have a shot at a love connection. Or a high school summer fling still plotting revenge 20 years later for the “way things ended.” More recently, there is the co-worker who you beat out for that promotion. They all have 1 goal. And that is to make your life miserable. Be careful!

6. Never “friend” your boss, or superiors at work. There is no upside to this. All you can do is get into trouble. Many people use the site to express themselves, and to talk about personal things. That can get kind of awkward when your blurt out things like “I am at the Eagles game puking on the Giants fan in front of me… no work tomorrow!” Ooops! Looks like the cat is out of the bag when you don’t show up at the office on Monday.

7. If you choose to ignore Guideline 6, never insult your boss, or the company your work for. This also holds true regarding your wife/husband/significant other. For those of us who have done this, no explanation is necessary.

8. No drunk Facebooking. This is probably the most important of the guidelines. If you violate this one, you are sure to violate one or more of the previous seven. Have we not learned anything from history? Sometime in 1775, Ben Franklin got pretty intoxicated. He returned to his home on Market Street, got his little feather and ink jar out and began writing a letter to the British Parliament. Well we know what ensued after that.

Years later after the advent of the telegraph in the mid-1800s, one gentleman who chose to remain anonymous, got hammered and went serenading a woman he desired- inventing the shameful singing telegram. Yes quite embarrassing even to this day! Obviously no romance ever followed.

Fast forward to the modern day. I swear that Verizon Wireless guy has had at least a 5th of Vodka as he rolls around yelling, “Can you hear me now?” over and over again with all those homeless people that he calls his network. That guy is clearly delusional.

Now we have text messaging- always a huge problem when mixed with “the sauce.” Remember how successful and chummy “T-O” and Donovan were prior to attending parties together and text-messaging one another? Oh what could have been! Whatever you do, hide your computer, your Blackberry or PDA if you plan on going out and getting banged up! That keyboard can only lead to bad things.

Hopefully these guidelines have instilled a bit of common sense into my Facebook readers. As we can see Dan Leone could have used my help. He blatantly violated Guidelines 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7. And although no further information is available, it’s quite possible, and in fact probable, that he violated Guideline 8.

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