If I was God of Pro Football….
I’d do all the poor Raider fans a favor and invite Al Davis to come stay with me for an eternity or two.
I’d have every Eagle fan get booed on their way to work, then have them hear more boos once they get to work.
If I was God of Pro Football, the Monday Night schedule would be flexible, and NBC execs would have first pickings at all games each week (FOX and CBS can get over it). In exchange for unconditional scheduling power, NBC would have to sacrifice all but three characters from Football Night in America. Don’t care which ones – just pump some breathing room back into that studio.
If I was God of Pro Football, no team would have to deal with a baseball diamond on its homefield unless that diamond belonged to a club in serious playoff contention. What would the major league clubs do if their homefield lost all its dirt? Not my problem – take it up with the God of Pro Baseball (you may have to leave a message – I hear He’s not in the office very much).
If I was God of Pro Football, the Jets would have to forfeit every game in which they wear their throwbacks. So would the Eagles.
If I was God of Pro Football, wide receivers, by rule, would have to defenselessly take one helmet-to-helmet hit for every lazy route they run. I might even place a call to my counterpart down in Purgatory to see which headhunters he’d recommend as enforcers. I’m sure he knows more names than just Joey Porter and Rodney Harrison.
If I was God of Pro Football, every announcer who reminds viewers that the yellow first down line is not official would have their microphone cut off for three plays. And every viewer who didn’t already know that the yellow first down line wasn’t official would see their television reception jumble. No sense catering to the stragglers.
And since I’m God of Pro Football, any announcer who simply reads what is already written on a full screen graphic without providing at least one additional piece of information will be sent to an announcing boot camp where all the player names are Samoan, the guys in the truck are actually just some guys in a truck and the only color analyst available is Paul McGuire.
If I was God of Pro Football, the Bengals helmets would start out looking like the Browns’ and players would actually have to earn their stripes. Terrell Owens’s helmet would have multiple logos on it to remind the receiver that there are no lone stars.
Also, if I was God of Pro Football, coaches who challenge calls out of sheer hope will be fined whatever the cost of lost time is for all the fans watching the game. And the referee, when announcing that the play stands as called, will also be given 15 seconds to publicly ridicule the coach.