It’s wedding season and most of the NFL is on vacation. What better time to reveal this?
This is part of the Prevent Defense series, examining football and women. Some call it football humor. Along these same lines, check out the FODAFST, which looks at scouting girls through football metaphors.
An NFL Insider’s Perspective
1. The Ring
In football, you earn a ring that’s worth five figures for being the best.
In marriage, you buy a ring for someone else that’s worth four to five figures simply to avoid being the worst.
2. The Market
Rocky football season? No problem, just improve the situation by hitting the market during the offseason and picking up some fresh young prospects.
Rocky marriage? You probably want to avoid picking up fresh young prospect. In fact, that can come back and haunt your salary cap later on during the divorce hearings.
3. Watch and Grow
Improving in football includes watching tape of more football and attending football games.
Improving your marriage often means watching crap like Grey’s Anatomy and attending youth soccer games.
The more teams you’ve been with prior to your current club can mean the more diversified and experienced you are.
The more women you’ve been with prior to your marriage:well, technically it’s still “the more diversified and experienced you are” but the implications are very different.
5. The Personnel
In football, you have the freedom to solve problems by firing a head coach, benching a quarterback, or releasing a player. If your fourth-year kicker is hurting the team by not living up to expectations, he’s gone.
With marriage, you’re imprisoned to working on problems by attending family counseling, communicating better, or trying to change certain behaviors. If your fourth grade son is stressing out the family by not doing what he’s told, there’s no waiving him. It’s like he has a guaranteed contract:
6. The Offseason
One has it and the other doesn’t. Pretty straight forward.
7. The Prep Period
If you go 0-4 in the preseason and screw things up every which way, it’s no big deal because it doesn’t count. You still head into the regular season on the same level as everyone else.
But if you anger her routinely during your engagement and screw things up every which way, it is a big enough deal that all bets can be off. You don’t head into your wedding with a clean slate because there no longer is a wedding. The NFL preseason is a test that you can’t fail. Your engagement is a test that you can’t fail.
8. The Officials
As a football player, when you make a mistake and draw a penalty flag, your head coach complains. A referee tells you what you did wrong and marks off the appropriate yardage for you. Then you replay the down. Pretty simple. Penalties can hurt, but at least they’re over and done with.
When you screw up as a husband and draw a sit down conversation, your wife complains. An expensive marriage counselor tells you what you did wrong and highlights some areas in your life to work on. Oh, and those areas to work on can’t simply be stepped off – and they don’t come with a replayed down, either. They’re a painful, drawn out “growing process.”
9. The Timing
If you’re standing at the line of scrimmage ready to play the next down and the quarterback is still in the huddle and just won’t finish calling the play, you can trust that a five-yard delay of game penalty will hurry his ass up.
If you’re sitting in the driveway ready to go to the company picnic and the wife is still in the bathroom and just won’t finish doing her hair, you can trust that you’ll be sitting in that driveway for God knows how long.
10. The Timing Part II
At the same time, if a play is over and you’re just ready to go back to the sideline, you know that there is a 15-yard personal foul penalty for anyone who continues to go at it afterwards.
If you’re at that company picnic and just ready to go home, you know there is a 15-minute waiting period (minimum) while “the Mrs.” Continues to jabber with uninteresting friends and colleagues.
An NFL Fan’s Perspective
11. The Losing
A bad loss in football causes you to curse your team or the officiating crew and pout for a designated period of time.
A bad loss with your wife causes you to apologize and, often times, increase your workload around the house. (This usually just leads to more bad losses the next week – it’s like a team losing a game on a missed 25-yard field goal and then trying to bounce back the next week under the obligation of missing two more field goals.)
12. The Tardy
Put it like this – have you ever tuned into a game midway through the second quarter and had Al Michaels say, “So where have you been?”
13. The Procrastination
Along those same lines, when was the last time your TIVO ever said, “I thought you were going to watch the game this weekend – you said you were going to watch the game this weekend. The game needs to be watched – when are you going to watch the game?”
14. The Rivals
In football, your team’s rivals are often their division foes. The more fervid you are in expressing your hatred for them, the better fan you are.
In marriage, your rivals are almost always your in-laws or wife’s friends. The more upfront you are about your disdain for them, the worse of a husband you are.
15. The Bragging
As a fan, when your team finishes strong and everyone goes crazy, you get to brag about it to the whole world (depending on the implications of the victory, you may even get something like a T-shirt or hat commemorating the moment).
As a husband, when you yourself finish strong and your wife goes crazy, you can go ahead and brag to everyone, but it’s atrociously ribald and in extremely poor taste. Especially if you to get the T-shirt.
16. Mute Button
17. The Bad Play
A quarterback makes a bad read and throws an interception in the end-zone. The reaction is, “Dammit, we can’t have that! Alright, defense! Let’s go! Let’s go to work and get that one back!”
You have a lapse in judgment and say something stupid to your wife. The next play is a lonely microwaveable dinner, a night on the couch, and an extended conversation about feelings and sensitivity the next day.
18. The Roles
For football gurus in today’s world, demanding that your quarterback be able to throw with accuracy, move around in the pocket, and adequately read a defense makes you an intelligent fan who cares enough about his team to want the best for it.
For married men in today’s world, demanding that your wife be able to cook well, clean the house consistently, and reliably look after the kids makes you a chauvinistic pig.
19. The Tune Out
Your team’s getting hammered and you are tired of watching their second-rate effort? Knowing when to turn off the TV will enable you to save some of your pride.
Your wife’s getting whiney and you are sick of hearing her redundant gripes? Learning to tune her out will cost you some of that pride.
20. The Comparisons
As a football fan, if your team stinks and things are getting worse, it is perfectly okay – in fact, it’s encouraged – for you to talk to others about the rookie draft and possible future scenarios where your team can be as good as the New England Patriots. The saying is “the records don’t lie” and you can always embrace that concept.
As a husband, if your wife is ugly and aging rapidly, you don’t dare bring up Halle Barry or Jessica Biel. The saying here is “the hips don’t lie” and as you come to grips with the possibilities for the future you soon realize that you’re royally screwed.
21. The Buddies
Want to invite your buddies over to drink beer and watch the game? The NFL gladly flashes its logo on the television screen in one end of your living room. An inspiring voice welcomes you to the following presentation and subtly reminds you not to violate copyright laws.
The fellas are over? Your wife brings out the full arsenal of body-language and rolls her eyes in the other end of the living room. A forced sweet-toned voice calmly offers to get some chips and dip while subtly reminding you that you’re going to pay for this one.
From An Honest Perspective
1. The Reality Check
If you read more than just humor into this and truly do believe that football is better than marriage, then you’re probably missing the point on the whole “true meaning of life” thing.